


Five Non-Apocalyptic Catastrophes That Occur As A Result of Everyone Finding Out

by tropie



Category: New Girl
Genre: 5 Things, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-01
Updated: 2012-05-01
Packaged: 2017-11-04 16:01:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/395616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tropie/pseuds/tropie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Winston is not a man with six hours to spend debating if a dance remix of a pop song is too post-ironic, okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Non-Apocalyptic Catastrophes That Occur As A Result of Everyone Finding Out

**Author's Note:**

> Set after "Kids".

Winston's favorite thing about Cece dating Schmidt is that she actually cares about his stupid playlist fixations. Winston is not a man with six hours to spend debating if a dance remix of a pop song is too post-ironic, okay, just put some Justin on there and call it done. Cece, though:

"I can't believe what I'm hearing. This is an absolute travesty."

"I don't care, I already added it to the list."

"Cece! Do you know what kind of people will be at this party? They do not want to listen to offbrand Canadian tweens! This is not amateur DJ hour."

"You know, Schmidt, it's the weirdest thing: when I go longer than a day without listening to this song, I just don't want to have sex anymore."

"Are you even listening to yourself? Pre-gaming is a storied party tradition for a reason. It doesn't have to be alcoholic."

But of course it ends up playing anyway. Cece jumps around a lot with Jess. Schmidt ends up standing off to the side, stony-faced. Winston nudges Schmidt with his beer, fully intending to tell Schmidt that he kind of gets it and he's glad Schmidt has lightened up a little, but Schmidt throws one hand up in Winston's face as soon as Winston opens his mouth, and declares, "No. I am not attending this party. As of right now, I am not here. I do not attend parties with lax musical codes." 

So that's still going on.

*

It's not that Jess is a prude. She has given enough sex talks and interacted with enough awkwardly sexual teenagers that other people's stuff hardly phases her anymore. (Her own stuff is a different story.) It's still not really the same as realizing half-way through brushing your teeth that someone's having sex in the shower. She freezes, and then runs into the kitchen and spits in the sink. 

"Aw, Jess, come on!" Nick protests.

"How can that possibly gross you out?"

"I don't know, it seemed like the thing to say. Why can't you brush your teeth in the bathroom like a normal person?"

Jess widened her eyes and waved both hands and toothbrush at him. "No! Nick. Do not go in the bathroom. It is not a safe space."

"Okay, you know I have to go in there now, right?" Nick said, setting down his mug. "I mean, you've basically signed my death warrant with whatever mutant came out of the sink, is how much I need to go in there right now." 

Jess, torn between grabbing Nick and finding somewhere to set down her toothbrush, chooses the latter. As she grabs an empty glass, she hears a loud yelp from the bathroom, followed by: "I'm BLIND!"

*

Cece doesn't let outsiders come to shoots with her, as a rule. Jess has been once or twice, obviously, but beyond that the list is limited. Which is why when Nadia texts her to say her cabbie won't come all the way to Schmidt's apartment to pick her up, it throws her off. That's the only reason she doesn't cover as well as she ought to, obviously, which is why she tells Schmidt that she needs to borrow Jess's car in the first place. 

"Do you think I'm letting you drive that death trap? Cece! Last week I went with Jess to get her brake pads replaced, and the mechanic went white in the face when he looked at the engine! Like a ghost, Cece!"

"Well, your office is too far for you to take the bus, so what else am I supposed to do?"

"Just let me drop you off on my way."

"God, fine. You're not allowed to come in."

"I don't understand how me giving you a ride turned into you doing me a favor here."

But of course, Gillian is waiting outside the studio when they pull up because she's running late and she likes to be an asshole about that kind of thing. Schmidt double-parks and hops out to open her door. Gillian's whole posture shifts as she takes them in, and Cece pre-emptively rolls her eyes as Schmidt starts walking over, arm already out for a brisk handshake. 

Gillian tell Schmidt that he has excellent bone structure and Schmidt stars preening, and then Cece feels her soul leave her body as Gillian asks if he's ever modeled. 

*

This business major at UCLA that Nick's been kinda sorta seeing has been staying at the apartment more. One weekend they leave an abysmal house party early and wind up just hanging out, staying up too late watching a movie and garbage late night tv. Sunday morning, Schmidt's already started making brunch by the time they emerge, already mid-argument about brunch rules with Cece.

"In five minutes when I need those bell peppers, the answer had better not be that you've eaten all of them." He punctuates the statement with an emphatic pointed finger in Cece's direction, which she ignores, turning to chew loudly in his ear. Schmidt makes a disgusted sound and pokes at the potatoes.

Alison looks over at him all bright eyes, loops her arm around his elbow, and Nick just feels weirdly light in the chest. She leans in and says, "God, they're so sweet you could die."

He smirks and huffs a laugh, acknowledging a good one, but she makes a weird face at him. "What?"

"Do you not think so?"

Nick can feel himself making that face. "Oh my god, you were serious? No! Schmidt is the worst!"

"That's terrible! He seems really great!"

"No! What is happening? We have bought furniture with how terrible he is!"

"I don't even know what that means."

*

Schmidt can't stop thinking about baby names. When his oldest sister calls to tell him that his cousin Joyce is pregnant, he doesn't cut her off at the first hintings about nieces and nephews. The conversation ends up lasting an hour and he doesn't even hate it. His second youngest sister texts him the next day, asking what he did to get her so wound up about babies.

He stops ignoring Gina's baby pictures. He finds himself using phrases only his mother uses, dropping more "sweet punims" than he's heard in the last five years.

It's basically the worst thing that's ever happened to him, and he doesn't even hate it.


End file.
